As my return to work date approached, I began to have a relapse with increased pain, facial spasms and pain and balance problems. In a discussion with the new supervisor of our school, she questioned whether I was actually ready to return. She was very understanding and we had decided that I could catch up on changes in the program at the school and go ease my way back into the classroom of 25-30 preschoolers. She had hired a sub for me, and that had taken the stress off of me while I was on my leave and would also allow me some flexibility when returning. But, as the lead teacher, I was still feeling anxious about getting back in the midst of it all.

My husband was also concerned about my pending decision to return and convinced me to reconsider. Unfortunately, since my first neuro felt that the neuro-otologist was now my primary doctor, I was kind of left in limbo, without enough time to get the balance doc to approve my leave and the first neuro refusing to release me to return, but not willing to do the paperwork to extend the leave. My HR department said that my only option was to return and see how it goes.

I promised my family and friends that when I went back to work, I would be practical and only work as long as I could. I promised them that I not over do it. If I couldn’t handle it, I would call my husband, since I still did not feel able or safe to drive, and I would go home. And, if necessary, I would seek another leave. My supervisor was ok with that plan, as well.

I don’t think my family bought it, though. They know me too well.

It was all I could do to pull myself out of bed. But, I had to go or face the possibility of termination. My schedule is 7:00 AM -4:00 PM. As my husband drove me to work, he drilled me on taking it easy and calling him no matter what time, he’d leave work to get me.

When we got there, my husband spoke with my dear friend and co-worker to watch over me and to call him if I seem to be over doing it. I guess he became very concerned when a few children arrived and I was engulfed with hugs! Yep, he had real concerns and did not trust that I would really listen to my body, and not over do things, as I had promised. He turned out to be very right! And, my co-worker had to be at a meeting all day, so my guardian angel wasn’t around to snitch on me.

Most of the day, I was also in meetings, and to be honest, I don’t recall a whole lot. I was in so much pain and in such bad shape, that I was on autopilot. I kept telling myself that I needed to go home, but then my supervisor would want to show me this and that, and kids wanted to show me all sorts of stuff, and the other teachers wanted my help…so, I kept pushing.

Finally a faculty member that we work closely with came over for a meeting, and my supervisor asked me to be a part of it. By that time, I was ready to collapse. That faculty member and I had been working together for about 12 years, so he knew me pretty well, better than our new supervisor knew me. The meeting was short, and at the end of it, he said he had been concerned about my medical leave and asked about my condition. Then he told me that I did not seem well, and he politely told my supervisor that he felt I should have gone home. With that, I explained that my supervisor had given me permission to leave at any time, but I didn’t do it. My supervisor felt bad that she hadn’t recognized what state I was in. She’s very hyper and was just so excited that I was back, that I just kept thinking I could make it a little longer…and I did everything I could to hide my pain, especially from the children although I had a hard time hiding the balance problems. As soon as my friend returned, she took one look at me and called my husband.

After 8 hours at work, I went home, restarted my Neurontin and collapsed in pain and fatigue. I spent the weekend in bed or on the couch. I knew that I would have to go back on Monday, at least for a few hours. Maybe somehow it would be better. I did love seeing the children.

My husband reluctantly took me to work. My friend and co-worker, was very upset to see me and assured my husband that she was going to be there all day to watch over me. But, within the first 2 hours, and 5 children, we knew that I couldn’t do it. I was in so much pain and couldn’t walk without grasping on to furniture, cabinets, anything I could. I had been sitting with a few children for a few minutes, talking and them laughing, when I became all too aware of my inability to concentrate, even answer questions, to tolerate the noise level and activity level… to be a responsible teacher. I knew that I had to give in to my body and the RHS. I called my husband to go home.

After I got home, I called my HR department and my neuro-otologist. I needed to re-new my leave.